Latex Cowboy Stuns Halloween Audience

1 November 2009

There are some things in life it's better a feller never sees. Last night during the second show, a cowboy named Tell was one of those things. Up until Tell took the stage, the Halloween shows were indistinguishable from others save for some of the Indians' face paint: a skull, a jack-o-lantern, a ghoul, and so on.

But when it came turn for Red River's cowboy to compete in the Pony Express race, Tell trotted on stage and made Halloween 2009 one to remember. Tell is an uncomplicated, stereotypical ranch kid with a playful sense of humor. On a normal night he'd be dressed like all the other cowboys, in a western shirt and jeans, but last night he appeared in a skin-tight faux-latex black "cowboy outfit" two sizes too small.

The top, a sleeved vest held together in the middle by four straining snaps, was so short it barely covered his nipples. Where the bottom of the vest ended, his pasty white midsection bulged forth ever-so-slightly.

The pants were low-rise and skin-tight from hip to ankle, leaving disturbingly little to the imagination. More midsection skin bulged ever-so-slightly out above the waistband. My guess is the costume was designed as a sexy little number for a thin female, which Tell, tellingly, is not. When Tell raised his hat to Red River, I'd say a good 18 vertical inches of pasty Canadian flesh circumscribed his torso like a white inner tube gone flat.

Mickey and Minnie stared in disbelief at the spectacle that was Tell as did, I imagine, a fair number of guests.

Tell ran the race, the seams of the costume somehow not splitting, then executed one of his trademark celebrations: "The Worm," an 80's breakdance move where the dancer lays belly down and propels himself forward by undulating his body in a giant wavelike motion. He jumped to his feet, hands held high in victory, a layer of excrement-laden sand stuck to his white belly and faux-latex costume, and looked up at the judges stand with a big crooked grin.

As I was saying, there's some things a feller just never needs to see, and that was one of them. It's an image that will haunt me for a long time. But dang it was funny.