Trent Whacked in Head with Tennis Racket

The sad part is it was self-inflicted. To say my back-hand needs improvement is like saying the Mojave Desert could use a little moisture. I have no back-hand. A hand with a back, yes, but backhand, not so much.

Why did I even swing? I was racing after a ball that was way out of bounds anyhow. Maybe a better question is HOW did I swing? How did I manage to miss the ball completely but nail my forehead? I can assure you that grace was not involved. The idea, as I ran full-speed away from the net, was to give a hefty enough flick backwards to return the ball from far out of bounds, just to keep the volley going. So I hefted and I flicked, but ball I hit not. Forehead though, I hit squarely. (As my hairline recedes and my forehead expands, when do I drop the "fore" and just say "head"?)

Spread some cheer this Christmas with the new "Elfis" eCard from AmericanGreetings.com.

Why am I admitting all this? Because the bump on my head is pronounced enough to be potentially distracting on stage tomorrow and people are bound to ask what happened. Best get the humiliation started early to end early. Yeah right. Perhaps this is penance for the fun I poke at Pinkie. Ah well, it's a small price to pay.

Visit AmericanGreetings.com for a wide selection of eCards and printable greeting cards for every occasion. Try it free for 30 days!

Trent Hauls a Washing Machine

Pickup trucks are relatively rare in France and when I first arrived every time I saw one I pined for the truck I'd sold before moving here. I'd say to my wife something like, "Wow, look at that pickup. We should get one. They're so practical, like if you need to haul a washing machine or something." My wife would smile sympathetically and we'd go on our way.

When we were shopping for a vehicle and came across a van for sale I'd always make a similar comment. "That'd be good," I'd say. "It'd be great if we ever needed to haul a washing machine or something." This went on for years, me seeing a van or pickup or truck and absentmindedly making the comment, "That'd be great if we needed to haul a washing machine or something."

Finally, after one such comment, my wife said "What is it with you and washing machines? How often do you need to haul a washing machine? Is that what you do in Wyoming for fun, haul washing machines?" We laughed, but she had a point.

A few days later I was talking to Kevin about the PT Cruiser he'd just bought. He was proud he'd gotten it for 3,000 Euros less than the sticker and it was comfortable, had a nice stereo, etc. Then he opened up the hatch back to show me the inside and said, "This is what I really like. The back opens up and you can push the seats forward. It's big enough you could haul a washing machine in it."

What is it with the washing machine? Check this out:

The Porsche Cayenne is the sportiest, best-performing SUV, a high-performance machine that will fit a family of five, haul a small washing machine, tow a large boat and get you through the woods when there's no road.

A Porsche? Who the hell owns a Porsche and needs to haul a washing machine? Through the woods, when there's no road? Who would haul one in a Porsche even if they could? How did we men get into our heads that we all need to be able to haul washing machines? Perhaps it's a symbol of virility: being able to haul a washing machine is like being able to satisfy a woman. Size does matter.

In any case, I was very pleased a few years ago when we bought an Opel Zafira, a family minivan-type car that can seat seven but can also quickly convert into a large cargo space. Yesterday when I pulled up to the Indesit Factory Outlet store to buy a new washing machine I knew my moment had arrived. We selected our unit and waited for the guy to dolly it out to the car, then I opened up the back door. The Indesit man and I lifted the corner of the machine up to the bumper. As we tipped the machine upwards, he said of the opening to my car, "I'm not sure it's going to be tall enough." I smiled, confident, as we easily slid the washing machine into the car. I said, "Now THAT's a good car." He chuckled and smiled knowingly as if to say, "Indeed, my good friend, indeed. That IS a good car."

The Pinkie Chronicles: Pinkie Gets Whipped

As I made my way towards the corrider backstage for my second entrance tonight I heard the unmistakable sounds of sophomoric male rough-housing: someone groaning in pain and someone else laughing and ooooh-ing in sympathy. The pain was from Pinkie. What was he up to now?

A few more steps forward into the corridor and there he was, moaning yet laughing as he grasped his right forearm in agony intense enough he couldn't speak. Brock looked on from a couple feet away, chuckling at some spectacle he'd clearly just witnessed.

I looked further up the corridor and saw Brannon, our newest cowboy, a quiet, respectful, young man, a talented roper, and an excellent horseman, standing there with a big grin and holding the handle end of a 6 foot bullwhip. Brannon cracked the whip. I filled in the "what" from there and decided the "why" didn't really matter - it's just Pinkie.

CPR Training Using Live Actors

The stunts performed in Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show (La Legende de Buffalo Bill), Disney Village, Disneyland Paris France are dangerous enough that regulations require a set number cast members be trained to perform CPR. In fact all teams at Disneyland Paris are required to have CPR-certified employees on duty, so I guess accounting has its risks as well. I thought it might be of interest to The Casual Reporter readers to view a video of the CPR training process here at the Wild West Show using live actors, taught by a German company. Here it is:

The Pinkie Chronicles: Not the Chicken...!

The Cattle Trail scene unfolded as usual up to the chicken shooting scene. Beli shot the first chicken and Pete grabbed it. The next line is usually, "That's too small, we need another chicken" but Brice said instead, "Pete's got a chicken, I want one too" so Beli shot another. Instead of calling for a third chicken, which leads to the musicians entering, Brice said, "Well, we each got our chickens. Let's eat! Come on, boys!"

Continuing further at this point would have meant jumping the scene forward several minutes and not allowing the musicians to enter, so the team was stuck for a few seconds, the guys making their way for the cooking pot.

Then Pinkie stepped in, shouting loud enough I could hear him off stage through the other microphones "I want a cheeckin too! I'm hungry!"

So Beli shot the large, roasted chicken to the ground. Pinkie leaped on it, a fun and innocent choice had it not been Pinkie, and Brice on the microphone.

Brice said, "Not here, Pinkie! This is Disneyland!"

And the scene continued..

Joke of the Month: Chinese Sick Day

Joke of the Month: Chinese Sick Day

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt. I no come work.'

The boss says, ' I really need you today. When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon...You got nice house.

(Image source: http://newsimg.bbc.co.uk/media/images/44233000/jpg/_44233807_chinese_worker416ap.jpg)

Very Funny Comedy Routine

This was sent to me some time ago. I ran across it again and still find it funny so I thought I'd share with you. It contains swear words so don't play it if swear words offend you.

Why The Chicken Crossed the Road

My irritating yet pathetically endearing house mate and Wild West Stunt Chicken Robert LaPoule crossed the road the other day. I have no idea why. I asked some of America's best minds and this is what they said:

BARACK OBAMA:
The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a CHANGE! The chicken wanted CHANGE!
JOHN MC CAIN:
My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON:
When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure – right from Day One! -- that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.......
DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on 'THIS' side of the road before it goes after the problem on the 'OTHER SIDE' of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his 'CURRENT' problems before adding 'NEW' problems.
OPRAH:
Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road...

ANDERSON COOPER - CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:

Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE:

It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON:

Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES:

I have just released eChicken2007, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet Explorer is an integral part of the Chicken. This new platform is much more stable and will never cra....#@&&^(C% ......... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:

Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE:

I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS:

Did I miss one?

DICK CHENEY:

Where's my gun?

AL SHARPTON:

Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

Video: Auguste Love Burro Longtime

Several years ago Cacahuete (Peanut), a burro in Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show, Disney Village, Disneyland Paris Resort, whose sole job is to serve as character Auguste Durand Rouel's mount during his second entrance, was a "whole man". Cacahuete spent (and spends) much of his life in his own private stall backstage, alone, his breeding instinct consequently frustrated. On several occasions Cacahuete's need for love has challenged the PG rating of Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show, but none more so than at the moment shown in the video featured here, which accidentally verges on taboo by western society's standards, all in front of an unsuspecting Disney audience.

The actor playing Auguste is Didier Courquet. I was performing in the Blue Moon ranch when this happened, very near the angle from which this video was taken. Shawn Hogue, who was playing Sitting Bull on the day, told me that after Cacahuete was pulled off Didier he ran upstage in front of the judges stand, stopped, turned towards the audience, and let out a loud BRAAAYYY! A few weeks later Cacahuete received an operation to remove those parts of his anatomy responsible for his amorous behavior, although a photo of Didier framed within a hand-drawn heart, complete with cupid's arrow, remained in Cacahuete's stall for years.

If somebody knows who took this video, I'd be happy to give credit. Be sure to SUBSCRIBE to The Casual Reporter so you don't miss any of the fun!

Joke of the Day: Hard of Hearing Golfers

One concern linked with hiring performers on open-ended contracts in a show with no end date is what to do with the cast as they age. What if the show runs for several more decades? Not all of us will be able to perform at our optimum capacity until age 65, nor would most of us probably want to. The Casual Reporter offers no concrete solutions, but recently stumbled upon a means of predicting snippets of the future of some of the members of our cast. Here is one revelation just revealed. I found it rather startling.

Shawn Hogue, Kave Dust, and Richard Lovelace, retired now and each with hearing loss, are playing golf one fine March day. Shawn remarks to Kave, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," Kave replies, "it's Thursday."

Richard chimes in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

The Casual Reporter Glossary

The Casual Reporter Glossary is meant to provide some of the definitions, some of the time, for articles presented herein.

Brushed up: Come out of the thick brush, probably after you.

Swamp Brammers: A local name for mean Brahman or Brahman-cross breed of cattle that live in the swamps of Arkansas. Cattle Today lists many breeds.. guess for yourself!

Steve Rally Cast in Charlie Valentine

Steve Rally played supporting roles in Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show, Disney Village, part of the Disneyland Paris Resort complex, before being cast as Buffalo Bill on and off for several years. For the past couple years he's been playing the role of Sebastian the Black in Pirate's Dinner Adventure in Southern California. Here's a video excerpt posted by Steve:



Here's a video Steve posted of himself as Buffalo Bill:



And finally, the skeleton that haunts Steve's closet, the video he might have been able to distance himself from until YouTube came along, and my favorite video of his, dating back to the 80's when he was a Playgirl model. Not just a Playgirl model, THE Playgirl model: Man of the Year, Man of the Decade and Man of the Millenium. Steve didn't load this one up to YouTube but it's possibly his most enduring work and truly entertaining. WARNING: THIS VIDEO MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR MINORS.



I had the pleasure of getting to know Steve better on his last visit to the Wild West Show. Don't let his shameless self-promotion fool you - he's really a nice, humble guy just trying to make a living in show business. His enthusiasm, passion, and perseverance are to be admired by all. He's a "can-do" kind of guy that just keeps driving his career forward with relentless and dogged determination. Recently Steve announced that he was cast in a Tom Berenger film. Judging from Steve's IMDB pages, I assume the film is Charlie Valentine to be released in 2009. Hats off (Cowboy and Pirate) to Steve for keeping it going.

Red Skelton's Perfect Marriage

Here's the late great comedian Red Skelton's recipe for a perfect marriage. Good, clean, old-school stand-up comedy. And still entertaining. He ended each performance with "God Bless."

Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas .

I take my wife everywhere....but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'

The Pinkie Chronicles - "Run Pinkie, Run!"

Red River already had a flag. Apparently Pinkie, a Gold Star cowboy that night, thought he'd take action to prevent them from winning another. As Scott, the Red River cowboy, raced around the arena for the final lap of the Pony Express Race, Pinkie grabbed the mail box and ran it downstage between Blue Moon and Green Mountain. Scott dismounted and ran towards the mailbox. It was way downstage, which may have influenced his decision to make Pinkie pay. He gunned for Pinkie. Pinkie ducked and ran upstage towards the judges stand, counting on his teammates to help him. They didn't. Chad joined Scott and Pinkie new he was beaten. Pinkie braced for the inevitable as Chad and Scott dogpiled him and shoved arena sand that hasn't been changed for several years down his pants and shirt.

Scroll to the bottom of this page to SUBSCRIBE to The Casual Reporter.

The Pinkie Chronicles - "Burnt Frozen Roast"

The following story is true but may contain inaccuracies.

In the middle of the night, Scott awoke to a loud banging noise and went downstairs to investigate. Through a haze of smoke, Scott found Pinkie in the kitchen in his ski coat, excessively intoxicated, stabbing a large frozen roast with a butter knife as the roast sizzled on high in a frying pan. Hot oil from the frying pan splattered across the other three burners which were also glowing on high for reasons unknown. Pinkie's coat sleeve hovered only inches from the burners, his concentration focused on the difficult task of remaining standing, staying conscious, and stabbing a frozen, burning roast with a butter knife. Scott turned off the three elements that threatened to start Pinkie on fire and went back to bed.

The next morning Scott found Pinkie sprawled across the couch, still in his ski coat. The roast, still raw except for one charred side, lay on the coffee table, some of the charred meat picked away.

God bless Pinkie.

I want to create "The Pinkie Coat": well-insulated, reflective in headlights, fireproof, padded for safety, convertible into a sleeping bag, embedded with a homing device, with one pocket designed to hold beverages and another to use as an ashtray. Useful not just for drunken nights out but also as a shelter for homeless people.

The Casual Reporter encourages responsible living. Please don't drink and drive. And maybe think twice about cooking while intoxicated.

Regis Goes Skiing

I received this via a long list of email forwards. Confidence without competence is a dangerous thing.

Thanks Regis, whoever you are.

Make sure you Scroll Down and SUBSCRIBE so you don't miss out on any posts from The Casual Reporter!

Joke of the Day - Four Worms

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol, the second into a container of cigarette smoke, the third into a container of chocolate syrup, and the fourth into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The worm in alcohol - Dead. The worm in cigarette smoke - Dead. The worm in chocolate syrup - Dead. The worm in good clean soil - Alive. The Minister asked the congregation, "What can you learn from this demonstration?" Maxine, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, ""As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!" That pretty much ended the service.

Joke of the Day - The Mirror

Told to me by Nik Rimmer, a stunt man in Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show. Adapted here for the wider Disneyland Paris audience:

Biff and Bouf, two simpletons, are walking down the street. Biff finds a mirror laying on the ground, picks it up and looks into it. "Hey! I know this guy!" he says. "I just.. can't.. quite remember his name.." Bouf snatches the mirror from Biff and looks into it. "You twit!" he says, "it's ME!"