Red Skelton's Perfect Marriage

Here's the late great comedian Red Skelton's recipe for a perfect marriage. Good, clean, old-school stand-up comedy. And still entertaining. He ended each performance with "God Bless."

Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas .

I take my wife everywhere....but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'

She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The driver said, 'No, jump in!'

Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, 'What's on the TV?' I said, 'Dust!'